Oo-kayyy..... we see how that worked out. Suffice to say that learning things makes you invest time elsewhere. And by elsewhere, I mean places other than your own blog. I can tell you, though, that many things were learned, even if I didn't make you sit there and read about them. (You should probably thank me.)
In the process of reacquainting myself with this whole blogspot territory thing, I found (ta-da!) my stats. One hundred seventy-seven views. Not bad. That's 77 more than the last time I was even around. I get almost as much activity on my blog when it's inactive as I do when it's active. Interesting...
I know what you're thinking. Don't even say it. Don't break my heart like that.
So what've I got to say? Oh... lots. That's something I was never short of. I'm keeping this particular update fairly brief. Warming you back up; you know. These things just tend to be giant letters to no one, so I have no idea why anybody reads them. Maybe because I threaten to hurt people if they don't. No, wait, just kidding. I promise. I think.
Last thing: I went to somebody with this the other day, being moody and melancholy and kind of enjoying myself the whole time, and they called me crazy. I need a second opinion. Well, I mean, I always knew I was crazy; that's a given. Aren't we all? But anyway.
This house is too small.
I feel claustrophobic.
Too crowded.
I want out.
I should blog. (Ha! You are here. Feel special?)
I should study.
I should do something useful.
I should do something somebody cares about.
I should be someone worthy.
I should be more honest.
I should be more prudent.
I shouldn't be harrassing you like this.
I should be less selfish.
I should stop talking about myself.
I should stop talking to someone who doesn't listen.
I wish I knew everything.
How to act.
What to say.
What to do.
Where to go.
Whom to go to.
When to stop.
And why.
I wish I knew how to love somebody
In such a way that they feel loved.
I wish people could love with abandon.
Not care how foolish it could be.
Or how stupid it would make us look.
Because we really don't care
If we're the ones being loved.
Do we?
I wish we could be honest.
And say what's really on our minds.
And listen to each other
As we pour out our souls.
Make ourselves vulnerable to the people we trust
And let that trust not be betrayed.
I wish we had a perfect world.
But since I know we can't have one
Can we improvise?
Can we act and speak with honour in honesty?
Can we listen and react with understanding and humility?
Can we resign ourselves to the reality that none of us has it all
But that together
We might?
Yeah yeah, don't judge me. Yes, I know it's pretty ridiculous. Yes, I know I'm a pathetic drama queen. But yes, I was enjoying myself and now I get to live with all the consequences of broadcasting my musings all over everywhere. Oh well. Haters gonna hate?
Ching,
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind me commenting on this post even though this has nothing to do with it.
It's not so much that I'm upset that it seemed that I was being lied to. Is that what everyone is focused on? Well, it was mostly just compliments that the people giving them to me didn't seem like they meant them, but honestly, it was mostly about me. I didn't mean to come off like I hated any of you, because I don't. It's about myself. Something died inside of me (in the most non-romantic way) the more time I spent there, but I intended to make clear it was my own fault. Maybe I lied to you guys, I really have no clue. But I lied to myself?
The way I presented myself to you guys was merely the mask I also put on in reality. Depressing as it is, I've wore the mask for so long I didn't know how to take it off, even online where I could freely do it. The kind of girl that keeps her feelings bottled up? I thought I didn't deserve to release those out to such intelligent people as yourselves.
It was rational, even if it hurt to leave.
I'm sorry to everyone, but after your reactions, I see where I was wrong, and I won't burden you guys anymore. The reason why my post was so harsh was that some people expressed that I was cruel because I didn't say it to your faces? I apologize if I'm wrong about that, but...it's my mask at work. I can't bring myself to do that to people I don't think deserves it. But I did it once and it still doesn't feel good.
Maybe I'm skipping out on details that would make it clear that it was a problem within myself. I'm not sure I can express it clearly at all, in fact. I try over and over, and I just hate myself more. And I shouldn't have assumed that you guys could see through me, so I change my mind like an idiot and now claim that none of you lied to me. I don't want to be specific as to what it was that set me off. Because it feels like there is a need from others for me to leave, it was all me.
Which is why I really don't care if any of them think lowly of me. That's completely fine. At least I know it's true.
That comment was very satisfying. I can leave knowing something will be made better with my absence. Not just the site, but me as well. Thank you, Ching ^_^
You can delete this comment after you're done reading it if you want. It looks kinda lame being on your blog post.
Hey Chingme! About the green scarf. My aunt actually got me the scarf, I think she found it somewhere in LA (a thrift store I believe, they have a lot of movie things).. I tried to track them online, I know that Patricia Field was selling movie replicas and I think this is one of them. They're currently not available online though :( My only suggestion would be to stalk it on ebay? I wish I could be of more help... Good luck in your search! :)
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